Livin' On A Prayer

I hate karaoke bars. It's true. I hate them. Why anyone chooses to frequent them over, say, a dimly lit, book-filled, DJ-spinning station-having, loft-esque, good-beer-on-tap, roof-access hangout, is beyond me.

Here's what happens to me:
Approach bar, 'X Karaoke.' Roll eyes. Sigh. Ponder. Out loud, "Am I really doing this?" Enter. Am bombarded by wall of sweat. Immediately accosted by loud and more than slightly off-key drone of a bad Guns n Roses song. Seek nearest bartender. Order something straight up, on the rocks. Drink quickly. Locate exits for a possible quick getaway. Collect shattered ear drum. Silently mock people who think they're having a good time. Try to maintain composure while continuing inner monologue.

It's amusing to me, that I hate karaoke bars so much, simply because I love singing (loudly) while in the privacy of a closed environment (i.e. car, with good speakers), to almost any song, particularly to one whose key matches my alto singing range. Seriously, who DOESN'T sing in the car, alone? It's the private pleasure of non-subway commutes and cross country road trips.

Unfortunately, a black-light-filled karaoke bar is not my private commuting-to-work-while-matching-Thom-Yorke's-falsetto-in-zen-like-fashion-car-bubble. The songbook ("30,000 of your favorite hits!") may as well be edited down to one page and renamed "The 25 crappy songs we know you're gonna pick." I understand that nobody is going to sing an awkward, off-tempo Elliott Smith 3-octave ballad, but why.... why do people lose any shred of creativity, and subject us poor civilians to ear-shattering renditions of:

Bohemian Rhapsody (seriously)
Any song by Ricky Martin
Cult of Personality (an amazingly horrendous song to hear via karaoke (or any time for that matter) as I found out recently, in a painful way)
YMCA (oh the humanity)
Livin' On A Prayer (very original)
Indigo Girls (go ahead, try to harmonize.. you'll never sound like them)
Meatloaf (who can handle this, even outside a karaoke bar)
I Will Survive (for God's sake)
American Pie
Stairway to Heaven (trust me, no one wants to hear this)
Anything hip hop (unless you're Kanye, get off the stage and go straight back to your table.)

Something happens to me when I enter the world of karaoke bars. I feel trapped; cynical; stuck in the 80s at a Bar Mitzvah party or a bad junior prom. Bitter. Claustrophobic. Unable to hold conversations. Socially awkward. Desperately needing to be drunk.

God, I sound like a rancid bitter heap of grumpiness. Should I look on the bright side? Try to see the good in this?

Nah.